Wednesday, August 12, 2009

It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out

Tuesday morning I woke up.

I don't know how it happened, exactly. But when I opened my eyes, it was as if I'd had an epiphany. I had this bright, bursting, enveloping feeling of gratitude. I was grateful for everything in my life, with big bubble exclamation points. (see next blog entry) I was grateful for the paintball bruises, still gigantic, for making me feel vital. I was grateful for all the opportunities that I have had, all the people I have loved and still love. Even for all the heartache. I felt like I was seeing things clearly for the first time in a very long time, maybe my entire life. I don't mean for this to diminish anyone else's experiences, but it felt the way people describe having religious experiences, except if you extracted all the religion.

And still, a couple days later, I feel much the same way. I mean, it's not like I'm a totally different person; I'm still who I am, but with some changes. I feel calmer. Yesterday I used the phrase "every day is a gift" in an e-mail without a trace of irony. When I told Paul that, he told me that he would never accept Alien Judy. I feel changed for no reason at all, except that I finally saw my life for what it is: A wonder. I just feel so fortunate. It's hard for me to describe, because a lot of the language used to describe these sorts of feelings has religious undertones.

A big part of it is my friends. Friendships are such a wonderful idea, really. You enter into a relationship with someone and care about them and they care about you. You tell your stories and laugh and contemplate together. You think good things about them and try to become those good things they think about you. And I have amazing friends who love me and put up with me. All through my shower I crafted messages I was excited to send to them about how much I love them. And I thought about people who don't have friends and how sad I am for them.

And of course, my best friend, Jeffrey. I feel like I hadn't quite seen him for who he is in a while. I'm not sure why that was the case, but now I do again. And I missed him so much.

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