Monday, June 09, 2008

Home sick

I'm little-s sick, not big-s, which means comfort foods and TV -- soup, tater tots and Sex and the City. I have all the DVDs and pull them out maybe once every 2 years or so. My favorite is the fourth season -- John Corbett's back and he's got a great haircut, which is as important as those kinds of things can be for me. So I'm on the grossness couch, I'm watching, I'm watching, and then it happens again: Miranda's mom dies. She dies every single time. I don't know why it surprises me each time it happens, but it does. And EVERY time, I cry. Oh, I cry and cry. It's silly.

A recurring theme in the season is also relevant to me right now -- how much to compromise in a relationship. And I must say that I've got no wisdom here. I mean, I see female friends of mine making changes in their lives when they get in relationships and I think secret judgmental thoughts about them. But you know, I'm the one of us who's married. What's more, I've started cooking, and last night I sewed a button on Jeffrey's pants! I think 10-years-ago me would freak out at such a development. Today me isn't sure. Am I falling into some kind of wifely trap? Or is this just how it goes in a relationship? He's certainly had to make changes to accommodate me. I mean, you know me, right?

Anyway, it's not like any of this has any meaning. Evil Brian sent me this quote the other day:
We are small, our time is limited, people are shitty, death claims us all. The only lasting marks we leave in this world are the results of our actions, not our internal monologues.

It's from a blog, and it about says it all, I think.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

One never knows, now does one, now does one, now does one

[(sorry, David Foster Wallace) (or thanks?) (and I really love your work) (obviously)]

So I took 2 days off to decompress and also to clean. Our house is sort of a mess, probably because I am a very messy person. Anyway, there is a very respectable corner of cleanliness in the room now. No leaves or anything! Believe me, it's unprecedented.

Today I had an odd revelation, about 1.7 years in the making. I sat down at my piano teacher's grand, and it sort of hit me: I am someone who plays the piano. I'm a piano player. Who could have seen this coming? I know it sounds really stupid and late in the day, but it made me happy to think about. Right now I'm getting ready for a "monster concert," which will be me and a bunch of 5-year-olds playing duets together. We're playing Tchaikovsky folksongs that are really pretty. I sort of can't believe it.

So my resolution to wait to see how things pan out is really coming in handy. Jeffrey was offered a job at my place of work 3 days after news broke that we were being sold. We weren't sure what to do -- things are really unstable for everyone. So we talked and talked, and he finally decided to take the job. And I was pretty nervous about it, still unsure. But then the day he went in to give notice (he didn't want to do it over the phone), they announced 14 more job cuts there. And then he got some more news today about backroom shenanigans that made him really, REALLY glad to be leaving. I know we will make the best of whatever happens, but it's nice to get a little bit of reassurance.

OK does anyone else out there watch "The Wire"? I've been trying to bring it up in conversation in different social situations and have yet to find a SINGLE PERSON who even knows what network it's on (It's not even TV, people, it's HBO). We're most of the way through the second season and I'm starting to like it a bit less because all of the people I like, whose moral ambiguity falls slightly toward virtuous, keep getting got, if you know what I mean. Alright, so primarily I just want to be able to use some of the new lingo I'm learning. Is that so much to ask?

Monday, January 07, 2008

Wait

OK, I'm serious. This was my New Year's resolution: Wait. I even made a little sign for my desk that just says "wait." It reminds me to hold up a little bit before I buy something, or eat another chocolate, or drop a swear-bomb. I just hope it takes me through this upheavally time.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

quo vadimus?

So we found out this week that our company is up for sale. We had to cover the story for the first two days, so I just concentrated on that. But then that night, I had this dream that a bunch of men broke into our apartment, and I'm walking down the hallway and they start filing out of our guest bedroom and they're middle-aged white men in dumpy business casual and they're coming for me and they're not violent but still they are vaguely menacing and they're walking steadily toward me and I'm thinking maybe I'll throw myself down the stairs and they keep coming and I think maybe I might take one of them down there with me. Anyway, then I woke up and I just figured it was because Jeffrey and I are in full-on "Wire" mode.

But then Luis pointed out to me that I've been pissed. I didn't even know. I'm irritable and insecure-dreaming and pissed and sad and I don't even know what.

Why has shit got to change? Funyuns, I swear to God, are not made the same way they once were. The makers of Jeffrey's favorite deodorant -- one he drives across town to find -- have changed its formula. And "The Wire," though a really good sophisticated blue tone, is just not my "Homicide: Life on the Street," which is rough and sandy-colored and carried me through some very hard years.

Intellectually, I know not all change is bad. I'll come around. But I gotta deal first. And I really wish everyone else would, too. But not everyone is lucky enough to have a Luis to bring it out after a night of pissiness.

So here's how I'm dealing: I'm drowning myself in "Sports Night." It's witty and happy and comfortable and they get sold to a cute multibillionaire who protects them and everything ends well.

And of course, there are those second-rate Funyuns.