Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Stress snapshot

So when we decided to get married a week into our two-week scheduled vacation, I thought, "what the heck am I going to be doing all that time?" Even last week, I thought, man, this will be relaxing. Welp, I was wrong. I mean, it's my fault for having put everything off. So today I've been getting fitted for undergarments, dropping stuff off and taking care of last-minute details with caterers and the like. So, round about 1, the phone rang, and it was the YMCA. Last week I had a run-in with the Y front-desk people because I couldn't clear Homeland Security to get in to play my game of HORSE. FOR THE KIDS!

Anyway, so I was already a little tense when it rang. I picked it up and answered, "Newsroom, this is Judy!" And see, that's not even my external-call greeting. It was James. He said, "Judy, you need to calm down." He was right.

Just the night before, I had been talking with his wife about soups and I said, "I make a homemade chicken tortilla soup." AND THAT IS A TOTAL LIE! I was like, "Wait, what did I just say?" It was so bizarre! It didn't really seem like a lie because I really believed it when I said it and I took it right back. But it just came right out! I am really crazy.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Who's writing this garbage?

So, it turns out I've been driving around with a brick. Not a metaphorical kind of brick (ok, arguably, a metaphorical kind of brick), but an actual, what-the-most-forward-thinking-little-pig-used-to-build-his-house kind of a brick. I have no earthly idea why. Here it is:I mean, seriously, writers. So obvious. What's next? Meredith does a voice-over about how sometimes you just have to let go to move on? Cristina has a secret sad look? Come on.

As you can see, the cleaning continues in Countdown to Nuptials 2K7. Today I cleaned out my car. I decided to get rid of the brick, some old cans of green beans, and a cheap beach chair I'd been driving around with that I've never ever taken out. I also took out my tape collection, as my tape player died years ago. I'm going to donate it to the local selling charity. Maybe someone will want OU812! Oh, Van Hagar. How I miss you.

I think ... I mean, maybe ... I am ... the decider?

I mean, really, I am the decider. It's sort of my gig. But the weird thing is that lately I cannot make any decision about anything. What are we having for dinner? Should we have a guest book? How should I punctuate this sentence for maximum effect?! But today I've been walking around with 2 pins in my hand because I can't figure out what to do with them. Where should I put them so they don't do any damage? I mean, really stupid stuff. Should I order new shoes for Paris? Should I buy a jacket for my dress? I just can't make a decision right now. Thank goodness I'm not working.

So when Jeffrey's best man arrives at the airport tomorrow, he's probably going to want to hug me. Jeffrey knows me well enough to have warned me about this fact well in advance. He knows that I'm not always huggy, especially when I don't know the person and really especially when I'm busy going crazy.

And now let me present to you, "Sometimes a Crazy Gets With Another Crazy, Subtitled I Mean Really, Does That Kind of Thing Help?, A Play in One Act":

Jeffrey: Are you a crazy bride right now?
Judy: I am not a crazy bride right now. A typical crazy bride wants everything to be perfect on her wedding day. I will be satisfied if there are no deaths, maimings or injuries.
Jeffrey: Do you include botulism on your list of injuries?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

So, other stuff

I seem to just be writing about my case of the crazies, so here's some of the other stuff that's been going on.

1. Everyone at work has been super-great about the wedding. Saturday was my last night at work and I came into a wildly decorated desk, with confetti, flower petals, balloons, and some streamers. Also, a physical tiara, to match the one I always wear inside my head. It was really, really nice. The night before, Good Brian had made some wonderful cookies and the night side had gotten us a gift card at 3 local restaurants. It was really kind, and definitely unexpected. A lot of people have offered to help, as well as put up with me giving minute-by-minute changes in the forecast for Saturday. It's meant a lot.

2. We are in full-on Paris Craze. Jeffrey's been researching restaurants, and I've been researching ways in which we will be able to have telephone service to make reservations at said restaurants. It's the perfect distribution of labor for us. I LOVE PRACTICALITY! I installed Skype on the computer last night (our Paris apartment has DSL but not a phone) and I spent today messing with it and adding all the restaurants we're looking at. One I wanted to go to on my birthday was L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon. He's uber-famous, and is supposedly one of the best chefs in the world. Like really next-next-level stuff, apparently. Articles about him and the restaurant use words like "worship" and "privilege." And I guess maybe I'm thinking that I'm not famous-chef-food people, you know? I'm not sure I go for 17 one-bite courses. So we have a reservation there for my birthday, but I'm also reading about some lower-key places about which I can hardly find any information on the Internet. I feel good about that, because all the things I find about them are good, and include words like "secret" and "find." I think I'm more secret-find people. I am DEFINITELY compound-modifier people!

3. Are there ANY thank-you notes made for dudes? I went looking for some generic ones the other day and they were all flowers and butterflies and little felt purses. Is it just that women give them? Surely, women aren't the only ones who get them. I think this is a great opening for a cardmaker. On the front it could say, "Hey, thanks, man." On the inside it could say something like, "Let's not make this weird, OK?" I think that would fly off the shelves. In a really macho sort of way.

4. Jeffrey and I are still looking for rings. I know it's a little late in the day, but we just recently decided whether we would have rings at all. Neither of us is a ring kind of person. So we went looking today. Most places were none too excited when they heard I didn't want anything in a precious metal or with gems. But we went into one place today in which we felt immediately at ease. We said to the woman behind the counter, who seemed warm with a touch of hippie perhaps, "Hi, we're looking for wedding bands, with no, you know, blood on them." She smiled genuinely, though that may have just been surprise. We're surprising. And then later she showed us a ring, and Jeffrey said, "This is sort of Lord of the Ringish." And I said, "Yeah, it has that one ring to rule them all feel." And she laughed. We ended up not buying anything at all today, but at least we had one experience that didn't feel gross.

5. I finally had that HORSE game with the VP of the company. It was more fun (and strenuous) than I expected it to be. Of course, he threw it, but I actually ended up hitting way more shots than I would have ever guessed. For some reason, I was on fire from the three-point line! I mean, seriously! And I got there early to practice, and I was able to perfect one facing the other direction, without looking! It was crazy! We ended up playing a game of CAT, too, and he spotted me a couple letters. It was for the kids.

OK I'd better go clean. Today Jeffrey's trying to introduce me to something called "dusting." Crazy man.

Cleaning is good for the soul

I mean, I *think* cleaning is good for the soul. I don't do it enough to say that with any real authority. Today Jeffrey and I have been cleaning for wedding guests. Mostly it's been really good, and it has reminded me of the hate/love relationship I have with stuff. I have thrown tons upon tons of it away today. I think to myself, who needs all this stuff? I'd rather have the space. But the truth is, except for gifts, I went out and bought all this garbage at one time or another. So I have to stop doing that.

I swear I'm not typical-bride crazy, but I did have another breakdown today. See, one time, when my mom was first sick, I went home to visit her. And we had set up my brother's computer for her to play around on, you know, write and play games, do whatever she wanted to do. I think there was a drawing program, too. Anyway, on my last day home, I wanted to jump on there and type up a poem that I had always loved from this book of poetry that my brother had. And she was playing around on the computer, and asking me to teach her how to do stuff, and I was getting really impatient. Just stupid and impatient over a stupid poem, like 36 bytes of information. Well, I have that book of my brother's now, and I found it when I was cleaning. I can't even remember what the poem is and I can't bring myself to open or touch the book, because I think of that story and I just start to cry.

So now I'm thinking, should I get rid of the book? Or should I try to deal with it and forgive myself? I frankly don't like my chances, it being more than 9 years later already. I mean, I think I should keep it. I'm the kind of person who works harder, not smarter. Remember when Michael Landon used to do the Hooked on Phonics commercials and he used to say that you should cut down a tree with an axe (working smarter) rather than cutting down a tree with a sledgehammer (working harder)? I always used to say back to the TV, No, Michael, I work harder. And it's true. I like to do the harder thing. Which may be why I can't bring myself to let myself off the hook. But this time I really want to get rid of it. It just hurts so much. I can count the number of times my mom was impatient with me on one hand. And I was just so angry. I was such an idiot.

My God, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


The other night, in one of our weary, bitter talks, Evil Brian gave me the best compliment I've gotten in a long time. He said, "You don't seem that crazy." That should give you some idea of the current climate.

We're inside 2 weeks in Wedding Countdown 2K7. Jeffrey is incredibly excited and sweet. I, on the other hand, find myself crying at pretty much the drop of a hat. Let's see, what was it today? Oh yes, you know that Everlast song, "What It's Like"? So I was driving to Target today, and I heard that stanza about the girl who goes to get an abortion and gets static at the clinic, you know? And I just start crying. Why? Why? Last week, when I saw Hung win Top Chef, I really started crying. He was a real jerk on the show, but then I saw him there with his mom and I couldn't even try to keep it together. She was so proud of him. And I think my mom would be so proud of me right now. She'd be delighted. And in 2 weeks I'm getting married and she won't be there. I know I've had a long time to get used to that fact (she died more than 8 years ago), but I just haven't. I wish I could.

Other stuff going on:

I have been comfort-food crazy lately. I made like 4 meatloafs in a row (along with Cooking Light basic mashed potatoes) and then I switched over to caldo verde. I put in a ton of lemon juice, and I think it's really delicious.

I won a game of HORSE with the vice-president of our company. When I say, "I won a game of HORSE with the vice-president of our company," I don't mean I actually have won it. I'm certain to lose it. But I won it, as a prize, in our company's United Way raffle. Seriously. A bunch of people won gift cards to Wawa. I won humiliation. I have ordered this shirt for the occasion.
I went to buy some track pants to go with it today. Why is so much workout gear made in velour? Is there a lot of working out done just outside the shower? I ended up getting nothing at all.