Saturday, January 27, 2007

525,600 minutes

I'm back in my own bed after a very reflective day. We gave presentations today about how we would develop ourselves as leaders. Mine included a dramatic interpretation. One guy did speed haiku to demonstrate time management. One woman passed out tequila shots -- before noon. It was a fun day.

When I was working on my presentation, I got really emotional. My sister called and I just started crying. It would be the first of two times I'd disintegrate into a mess in as many days. I was feeling really judged by the woman who was there to help me with my personal development plan. I felt like she was attacking me personally. First I got defensive, and then I got angry, and then I just cried and cried. Lan was great, and I finally figured out that it was because I missed my mom and the unconditional love that she gave me always. I mean, I feel loved now, but it's not the same.

The second time I lost it was on the plane home. One of the instructors had used "Seasons of love" in his presentation on Tuesday. I sang along with it in my head all week. So on the plane I listened to RENT. Then I just started crying and crying.

So here's the conclusion that I reached: I don't think I'm better. I really want to be, but I don't think I am. I don't know if I dealt with the illness, or how it made me feel about my mom, or my dad's illness. I mean, I'm walking around without falling and reading without flipping out. I'm just not all better.

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